Just a little exercise in romantic fantasy... hope you like it.

The early morning sun pours through the trees and the faint strains of flute music travel on the air.  I stand in the new mornings chilly air, a wrap pulled tightly around me, as I then sit in my spot by the stream, pen raised but nothing comes.  This past week has been a tough one, another MS flare up, still trying to recover.  My eyes catch the pen shaking in my hand or is it my hand shaking trying to hold the pen?  No matter, I lay it down in disgust and lean back in my chair.  Looking out through the trees I hear bird song all around me, it mingles with the waters flow beside me.  No, I'm not cold, the fire beside me ensures that I will stay warm, as will the steaming cup of coffee on the table. 

Spring is all around me, the first light green buds are bursting everywhere and the delicate white blossoms of the pears trees are making their presence known as well.  I can't seem to get my head around the task at hand and I struggle with myself to finish the job, this story has to get written, the editor is already prodding me about it.  As the early morning air stirs and a faint breeze wafts through, lifting the edges of my hair, I smell a familiar scent.  No, he's not here, not now or ever.  Only in my memories and my dreams does he come around, pulling me back to lives long past and glimpses of embraces shared ... eons ago.  How did he get inside me so?  How did he get a piece of my soul?  To always have a way back to me, to always be just beyond my reach, beyond my touch...

Even in my husband's arms I hear him, I feel him, I am aware of him.  I never know just who I'm making love to and it tears my heart so.  I never wanted this, I never planned for this, I never wanted to hurt anyone or to be hurt so.  This longing is almost more than a sane person can bear.  Is this my fate?  To slowly go insane and constantly yearn for a lover who doesn't exist in my world?  To always be pulled backwards in time to the days when he held me, and loved me and treasured me so?  Am I to be forever haunted?  Is there no cure for this hellish state I'm in? 

To much time on my hands, not enough to keep me busy.  My body isn't capable, yet, of seriously hard work.  That usually keeps the memories at bay.  I need to be totally focused on something, anything else.  My husband sees the faraway look in my eyes and just smiles sadly.  He knows, he has known for quite some time but he loves me still inspite of this torment that rages through my soul.  I worry that I may hurt him, in my dreams - do I call out for my lost lover?   I can still feel his touch lingering on my skin the next morning.  He hovers at the edges of my waking moments, waiting for my attention to slip and then the memories come pouring in.  Bringing more pain and feelings of loss, feelings of hopeless wanting and yearning.  Such are my days and my nights.... and every waking moment.

Why am I so ... haunted?, Close